Variety

You know whats difficult about ADHD? The need for constant change, constant dopamine, constantly searching for novelty. When I was living in Arizona I worked for this cool tech company, it was bigger than a start up but not quite as big as those fortune 500 comapnies. I worked there for a little over a year as a technical service person and really enjpyed my job, but as the days went by and the novelty wore off I got severely depressed. Coming into work every day was like facing a brick wall and to make matters worse I would watch youtube vlogs of my favourite influencers all day long living this beautiful lavish lifestyle. It was torture. Well, I was torturing myself to be completely honest. At the time I was taking acting classes, and was a few years into my modeling career so I thought "why don't I try this". I left an entirely sustainable workplace to pursue an entertainment lifestyle without the understanding of just how much structure and work is needed to create a successful life in the netertainment industry. The structure part is something that is really hard for me to create naturally. As a person with ADHD I want to try everything. As a person who has depression it is very easy for me to give up and move on to the next thing (or give up and wallow). To top it all off, Anxiety makes me overthink and cry because I feel like I'm never going to become good at any of it. These three mental illnesses make it very hard to create a structured lifestyle on my own which is what I've been trying to do. I can't do it. I need some form of structure and routine in my life because with it, I just fall apart. Instead of slowly picking up gigs in the entertainment industry and truly putting myself out there, I instead got more and more into the lifestyle of being an exotic dancer, of going to huge parties, doing drugs, drinking my weight in vodka, and then going to work the next night. I'm super thankful that I kept up with the modeling, but even with an agent the booking calls never really came, I stopped focusing on my acting classes, I spent more time getting paid to party than focusing on my work. I have a huge portoflio of modeling photography, hundreds of shots, but because my focus was on the wrong place, no one ever got to see them. Whats crazy is that exotic dancing is the job I kept the longest, I danced for 7 years. Thats a long time to be in the nightclub world. They say variety is the spice of life, but to someone with ADHD it can either be helpful or it can be chaos. With me, it was chaos without soemthing steady.