The dreaded T word

ADHD, OCD, Depression-- these are all words that have been used to describe my state of being for the past 4 years. The years before that I had figured out myself through study and self-exploration that I suffered from numerous mental disorders. I tried everything you could think of: meditation, herbal supplements, staying in most days, working out, going out constantly, trying to moderate the two, sound therapy, crafting, writing, drugs, psychedelics, singing, money, medication, employment, and unemployment. The one thing that comes to mind is that these methods all worked, but only temporarily. After some time the fog of depression always came back and brought with it fatigue, lack of motivation, the fear that no one likes me or is there for me, the need to make myself seem perfect in order to be accepted, and the deep profound sadness. I am currently on 4 different medications in the attempt to re-balance my brain chemistry which has been out of whack for as long as I could remember. Sure, the insane partying of my earlier twenties probably threw everything further off balance but atleast I had fun back then. I think the one thing that I have been avoiding in this years long battle with depression is the 'T' word -- Therapy. The ultimate practice in vunerability. Telling one person your deepest feelings, experiences, and root issues. The thought still does the same thing it has done for like ten years - make me shudder and cringe. Theres a part of my brain that say's 'why would you tell ANYONE your everything, that just leaves room for them to use it against you later', and 'why do they need to know?', and 'yeah right, keep it too yourself, you're too messed up to fix.' I know these thoughts are not my own though, they come from the mouths of negative people whom shaped my world view from an early age. In all honesty, I think that if I poured out all that had ever happened to me, effected, and shaped me I would realize that I am too broken to be whole.

So this is where I let God come in and lead me to the next step in my healing because if there's anyone who needs a miracle it's me and my broken heart.

Love, Brooklynn V