Tales of the Chronically Online
In a world that shows everyone's best side 24/7 for likes, comments, money, and clout, it can be jarring to see someone showing true honesty in what is going on in their life. People will unfollow you, put you on mute and say "Damn, you are going through it", but at the end of the day those opinions will not matter because those are the same people who will sit at your funeral at the end of your battle and say "Damn, I wish there was something I could have done".
To throw some numbers at you, it is estimated in studies done by Mental Health America that as of the year 2022 up to 19.86% of adults are experiencing a mental illness in the United States. That is Equivalent to nearly 50 million Americans. This number is increased from 10% of Americans in 2020. Now if those are the people whom are willing to admit via a doctor, anonymous survey, conversation with friends, or speaking with a counselor or professional imagine how large that number is for the people who are dealing with their mental illness entirely untold.. that number now balloons significantly.
We have in The United States what we call an Invisible Battle. With physical illness people will empathize immediately because they themselves can immediately picture in their physical bodies what it would be like to deal with said physical problem, however when it comes to mental illness there is really no way to fully understand the magnitude of what someone else is facing. This person can listen and attempt to sympathize but unless a mentally stable person has undergone those exact triggering experiences which lead to the breakdown of mental stability they will never truly understand; furthermore depending on a person's social, economic, race, and ethnic background, support system, living situation etc. etc. their mental deterioration will still not mirror that of the person they are trying to understand.
The Invisible Battle that a person is going through with mental illness can never be entirely recreated or understood.
In a world where our happiness is a form of currency to companies, we have been conditioned to give away our attention to that which feeds into the system of dopamine hits. Not only that, we have been conditioned so quickly and so deeply that it is no longer enough for our brains to be satisfied with a few clicks here or there, we need hundreds and thousands to feel validated. With this empty validation comes a lowered threshold for the Unsavory, the Unspoken. If it doesn't incite excitement, it's on to the next. Now if we take that dopamine-seeking behaviour and attach it to the hundreds of millions of people within social media we create an environment that takes in all that glitters and leaves out the rest. For some people dealing with mental illness like myself, sometimes the only place we feel we can truly be ourselves and be open is on the internet. This leaves us in the bubble of The Unsavory: an echo-chamber of experiences, cries for help, and mixed emotions. Imagine going your whole life with bad experience after bad experience, hard day after hard day, a child that feels as if death is lurking around every corner, and the adults around you that you look to for love, protection, and guidance creating unsafe environments that you are unable to escape... Now imagine that every single time you try to express what is happening in your life you are met with "Damn, that sucks.", "I wish I could help", and "I've never experienced that.", "You'll get through it", "It gets better", and "I don't know, that sucks". After a while, you stop expressing yourself at all, but that doesn't stop the trauma you are living every single day with no end in sight. Every day that you wake up is a nightmare and every time you go to sleep all you see are echoes of the same while your brain tries and fails to process the pain you are constantly experiencing. That was my experience growing up, and every single day no matter what was going on at home I still had to get up every day and go to school, shoving down and compartmentalizing all of the pain I felt for 8-10 hours a day. Some days I couldn't make it out of my bed, covered head to toe with anxiety and fear, unable to process all that was happening around me. I almost was unable to walk with my fellow students at my high school graduation because of how many school days I missed due to days full of panic attacks, crying-shaking-screaming bouts of panic where I simply could not comprehend all the recklessness I was watching and actively trying to fight.
So what do you do when no one around you can understand, the ones you look to for guidance are the ones causing your emotional scarring, the school counselor can only speak with you so many hours/times a week, and generations of history in the black community has engrained in you that you cannot seek help or you'll be ripped away from your family? You find other ways of coping.
Unfortunately, due to influence many children turn to alcohol, drugs, and self-harm. I turned to heavy music, hours of cheerleading practices, and the world wide web. I learned that no one was coming to save me, that no one could understand my situation, and that no matter what the only thing that mattered was me graduating high school and removing myself from the situation I was in. These lessons have followed me well into adulthood and shaped how I expressed myself (only show the happy side, compartmentalize everything else, no one can help you anyway), how I interacted with others (become a people pleaser, be there for everyone else because no one was there for you), and how I searched for validation (take 22 credits per college semester, be the best in your department at work, no one will love you otherwise).
Living my life on the brink of exhaustion and fake smiles for 20 years takes its toll and I'm finally ready to truly express all that I've been through, all that I have been hiding. These are The Tales of the Chronically Online, they are uncomfortable, exhausting, and not always fun... but they are me, and I now know that I deserve to be listened to even if I wasn't sure before.
Thank you and welcome for taking the time out to read Brooklynn’s Corner. Brooklynn’s Corner is a column and publication of personal experiences, social commentary, event reviews, restaurant reviews, and seasonal zodiac updates. To be a supporting patron of independent journalism and media, check out MY DOT. CARD and DONATE HERE. All proceeds and donations are used to support my path of journalism directly, and I thank you for being a part of this support system.
Love, Brooklynn V
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