Sobriety Math

There are times when I can go an entire week without thinking about alcohol. So far, it has been 2 months since I last smoked weed (yay!..?..!). Sobriety wasn't as difficult once I passed the one month mark and the constant want to end my evening with a drink at the bar or a joint dissapated thanks to medication and practicing abstinence.

The point of this post is to point out why we reach for substances to alter our mood in the first place. Some of us are looking for connection which is why we go to bars -- to socialize uninhibited; some of us are looking to numb ourselves for a few hours from the stresses of daily life; some of us just use drinking and smoking as a way to unwind sometimes. These practices aren't bad in theory or with moderation but in my case I used to smoke every day (several times a day) to numb the sadness in my heart, the anger I felt at being dealt a harsh hand in life, and to slow the pace of life down to a halt when I felt like things were going too fast. I was drinking every night at the local bar because I thought that if I could make myself numb enough, I could forget how much pain that was in my heart. When we run towards altering our mood we're also running FROM something else. Today I was really hurting, I've been hurting. I've been feeling like things weren't going well because of my past decisions and that all the karma was just flooding at me. I sat in the living room on the couch debating with myself whether I should go get a beer from the nearby convience store. It was only $5, and it was only one beer-- so what would be the harm? But then I remembered the last time I grabbed just ONE glass of wine after a shift at work: the whole train ride home all I could think about was how sad I was, how I lost everything in my storage unit, how life wasn't going where I wanted them to go at that moment, and every self-deprecating thought my working mind tried to keep at bay. Instead I bought a can of cherry flavoured sparkling water (the Liquid Death brand is really good to use for a mocktail!); it satiated the need for carbonation my body was searching for and my craving for alcohol went away.

I wouldn't say that I'll never drink again but I'm starting to do the math on why the cravings occur and if the math doesn't end up in the negatives, I can emotionally afford to indulge. Just not today. Love, Brooklynn V