Complaints

It has been brought to my attention that I have been nothing but a whiny baby for the past few months. Which is really weird because the type of person I'm used to being is not that. The past few months instead of cherishing this time with my grandparents, extended family, being free of responsibility, and being given the free reign to figure out who I want to be, I've just been crying, moping, and complaining. Now I'm not gonna sit here and even pretend that it's not true because it has been. I've been such a debbie downer, always looking at the cup half empty instead of full, looking at the grass on the other side (AZ) instead of watering my own. My question is: where did this version of me come from? I never used to be like this. Sure, when I'm in the middle of a depression spiral I can be like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, but now I'm Eeyore every single day and I don't know how to turn it off. I try the gratitude route when I pray, I try to wake up and say "thank you for allowing me another day", I try to take in the little things as well; but it's almost like nothing is truly sinking into my heart. The old me was happy to simply spend a day with those she loved, the old me was just excited to get up and try again, the old me saw an opportunity and jumped on it right away; but now? I see every opportunity as just another chance to start and fail at something, I'm ungrateful for having a safe place to lay my head, every time I pick up the phone I say "Hi" to my family but my heart isn't in it. I thought the opposite of 'wanting to die' would be 'happy to be alive' but im still stuck at 'apathy'. Just like I never used to crave sweets, I never used to be like this. I was reading the Bible for a long time this afternoon and I realized that I have not been truly happy for a long while, and that it's definitely my fault for simply looking at life the way I am. The other day I even said, "You know, I guess if God wanted me to be happy he wouldn't have killed my parents." Which is a really fucked up way of looking at my current circumstance. It's really spiteful, and doesn't show graciousness to the fact that I'M NOT DEAD TOO. I've tried running daily until my lungs burn, I've tried cooking meals for my family, I've tried singing worship songs, I've tried getting back into my hobbies but I never really start, I've tried working at different jobs, I've tried dancing to my favourite songs. Nothing is working. I really don't know how to keep that pilot light in my heart going. It's just been flickering as of lately. I'm hoping to get the fire back up soon.