A few bad days lead to honesty

Photography by Instagram | WildAZPhotography

Thoughts on a bad day

I’m out of the hospital and back home finally on the mountains of Pennsylvania. This past week has been a really rough one, hell, this year has been nothing short of a rollercoaster to be honest.

It’s crazy how in the span of 1 year I went from being full time employed as an exotic dancer, to attempting my own candle business, losing my apartment, giving up my car, being homeless and couch surfing between friends' apartments + homes for six months. Then I came back to return to PA to take care of my grandparents (68, 71) and my depression took over.

I have had some pretty dark thoughts more than I’d like to admit in the past year but with Major Depression it’s just the truth of the situation.

I’m only 29, I’m exhausted.

Through all of that I’ve managed to begin a flourishing modeling career, begin + and fail a candle company, sell tarot readings, travel to (+ get lost in) other states in America, walk in New York Fashion week, meet a plethora of people, be accepted into a French artist residency, begin a journalism column, and still push through to show myself that life is worth living every day.

I don’t have any wise words or cool phrases to share today, the only thing I can say is if you don’t give up you’ll eventually find where you’re meant to be.

I haven’t given up yet, and I don’t plan to; I’m just gonna keep waking up each day and trying again.

It’s the only thing I can do.

A few days later...

Wishing a good day to everyone who has been checking in on me, texting, calling, and making sure I’ve been okay since I was in the hospital two weeks ago. I thought it was going to be a quick “hope you’re okay” and move on but everyone has been so supportive. I really appreciate you all. I’m not ready to talk about why I was in the hospital but I am doing a lot better physically.

My mental health has been on the rocks since last summer in Arizona, and I thought building my modeling career would fix it, but it didn’t. I thought moving back home to PA would help, it didn’t. In the past, I thought meditation, spirituality, building a business, and doing all these things would fix it but I have come to terms that I have a lot of repressed trauma, and Major Depressive Disorder is not something you can just pray, work, meditate, craft, travel, or love away.

It’s a chemical imbalance, it’s changes in your brainscape, it’s memories that you can’t let go, its the loss that sticks with you, its your defense mechanism, it’s a whole list of things that takes years to really get to the bottom of. I am determined to really work at figuring out how to be whole again, but as I'm learning it takes time.

I’ve done so much since turning 18, college, working, dancing, taking acting classes, traveling to 3-4 different countries, traveling the United States, more working, learning aerial arts, becoming a computer programmer, helping others, starting a candle business, starting a spirituality initiative, auditioning for commercials, beginning a modeling career, honestly I’ve done so much that I can’t even remember it all…

At 29 I'm realizing that my talent lies in my creativity but until I truly deal with all that I’ve locked away for so long I cannot be consistent with any of it because my sadness, depression, imposter syndrome, procrastination, and negative inner self just takes over.

At this part of my life I'm dedicated to just learning myself, and learning how to get better. How to be better for myself, how to focus on just me. Just Alexis. Just Brooklynn.

Today

Today I feel a bit better. A bit braver, a little bit more capable.

I was a Debbie Downie Brownie this morning after being in the car so much yesterday and I just slept.... for a while. But I think that after feeling the sun on my skin after the thunderstorm today and smoking weed for the first time in over 15 days (yaaaaaaay, I'm quitting!) I got to have a moment of sunlight and art-seeing. Today I saw art in the subtle and slow way the leaves of the trees perked up after the thunderstorm, they looked like minute cups of sunlight swaying across the balcony. How quickly the dew begins dripping through the trees and creates a rippling tune, and how sweet the trees smell right after it rains. I realized this morning that due to depression and ADD I haven't accomplished half of the things I've wanted to. I wanted to start making candles again — haven’t started even though I have most of the candle vessels together. I started a blog / column — barely write in that (but I am definitely trying). Trying to start a podcast — haven’t recorded anything. The brightest spot was NYFW for me...... and being excepted into a French Artist Residency for February 2024, I almost forgot about that. I did attempt to audition for the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall which was cool, and I’m auditioning for Universal Studios Japan online this week..... so I’m trying something new. Being Transparent is hard for me, these past few weeks however have shown me that the more transparent you are, the more you empower others to do the same. It's not about being judged, it's not about receiving praise or public validation, it's about being vulnerable enough to be vocal about where you are hurting and where the cracks are so that you can let the light in just there.